During my daily utterly horrendous commute to work this morning I was pondering names of cars. Some models have become household names that we don't even think about what they actually say anymore. Like the VW Golf, we just say it not thinking that Golf is a sport for men who have too much free time, and it isn't really a sport, all Golf does is ruin a good walk.
I started started to try and think of the best car names, the one that springs to mind immediately is the Jensen Interceptor, such an unfathomably cool name, it's easily worth the asking price of this lovely classic just to announce to your friends that you will be taking the 'Interceptor' this weekend. Another frankly awesome model in more modern times is the Ford Raptor, naming a vehicle after a terrifying dino-lizard that will hunt you down and kill you using cunning and huge claws.
Another model name I absolutely love is the Lamborghini Countach, apparently it's what car designer Giuseppe Bertone blurted out when he first saw the prototype for the vehicle in his studio. Countach which basically means 'Holy shit!' in his local North Italian dialect. I can't imagine what he said when he actually drove it, but I'm sure they would not of been allowed to name it that series of expletives.
There are plenty other of really great names for cars, but there is no point to list them all because I'm sure you're got a brain like mine and are already thinking of the same ones I am, like Viper or Diablo.
Then you have the middle ground of car names, which are superbly efficient and don't mean anything. Like Audi S6, Porsche 911, and Mercedes E300, We all know what they are because they've been around for so long we just accept that they've been named in the same way Hewlet Packard names printer cartridges. I don't mind this way of naming cars, it's definitively German and works quite well, apart from when it gets convoluted and stupid like for example the BMW 328i which is now a 1997cc four cylinder engine albeit a very cleverly engineered one, but why didn't they just call it the 320i and make it simple, this 'up badging' as I call it seems to be finding home with all the big German manufacturers now. They seem to have dropped their horsepower race of the early to mid noughties with this never ending one upping of each other of their badges, it won't be long before you can walk into a Mercedes showroom and purchase a new C30000 fitted with a 2000cc engine, because C30000 sounds better than C200, supposedly.
Then we have the bottom end of the automotive naming system, the stupid and pointlessly named cars. The Hyundai Pony for example, I mean what are you trying to say about your product by naming it the very thing it is designed to replace. It's like calling a computer the new Dell Typewriter or how about trying out the new Casio Abacus.
I suppose at least it isn't offensive, like the Mitsubishi Pajero, which is actually a swearword in Spain and a derogatory term for a laborer in other Spanish speaking countries. They actually rebranded the car as the Montery in some markets because of this, still makes me smirk whenever I see it though, I can't imagine another manufacturer making the same mistake again, but perhaps you know better and if you know of any please get in touch. Secretly I do hope that a manufacturer does though, I'd love to see the marketing material for the all new Fiat Stupid Twat or the Subaru Lazy Bastard. Whilst I think of it, if you saying Toyota MR2 in French "Est merdeux" it does sound a lot like the expression for it's shit, another one to chortle at if you ever see an MR2 on the roads here. Which you won't because they're all in the bin by now.
The award for lazy automotive nomenclature goes to Volkswagen. Once upon a time they did actually name a car the 'thing' fair enough it was crap so probably didn't warranty having any effort spending on it, but still, they could of at least tried. Even the manufacturers from English speaking countries have made daft choices, like Ford, in the 90s they had a sporty coupe called the Probe, I just can't imagine anyone proudly saying at the water cooler on a Monday morning "Oh Dave, I had a fantastic time with my Probe this weekend, I even woke up early just to play with it. My Probe sure gets my heart racing..."
But my absolute favorite for crap car names goes down to one of the following. Sadly neither of which you will probably ever see on the road here.
Izuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard.... Yes that's what it is called. Just think about the mental state of the people that decided this was a great choice of a new SUV. Is mysterious a quality anybody actually wants in a car?
Vauxhall Adam... Terrible name. Adam is the name of a 42 year old account who lives in North London that cycles to work everyday, not the name of an exciting little hatchback.
Gaylord Gladiator... Just read that again, now say it outloud. Now look around and notice how other human beings have retreated away from you. No matter how good this car ever was it was doomed to fail from the start. It just sounds like the nick name given to the prison rapist. Could you imagine the length of the conversation when someone asks you what do you drive?
I did see another great car name a while ago, actually saw it myself in person whilst I was in Ajman.
It was a Chinese SUV, looks like the kind of thing that Chevrolet would have declined to build in the 1980s but knowing how old fashioned Chinese cars can be, it was probably only a few years old. I think it was manufactured by some bland three digit name like COW or something, but the model name was hilarious. First it was a long badge that essentially took up 50% of the width on the tail gate, along the lines of HAC-J50HXG80LLX25S it basically looked like the machine that prints the badges was stuck on Windows printer test page, and then under neath this ridiculous name it was proudly displaying the sub-model name, the mighty, the majestic, pride of the fleet 'City Cowboy'. What was the point of giving it that long stupid name, to then top it off with that.
They could at least just be honest and name it the 'Crap but cheap', like Izuzu did with their 7.5 ton truck, the 'light dump'.
I started started to try and think of the best car names, the one that springs to mind immediately is the Jensen Interceptor, such an unfathomably cool name, it's easily worth the asking price of this lovely classic just to announce to your friends that you will be taking the 'Interceptor' this weekend. Another frankly awesome model in more modern times is the Ford Raptor, naming a vehicle after a terrifying dino-lizard that will hunt you down and kill you using cunning and huge claws.
 |
| Here we see a Raptor pouncing on a weaker model. |
There are plenty other of really great names for cars, but there is no point to list them all because I'm sure you're got a brain like mine and are already thinking of the same ones I am, like Viper or Diablo.
Then you have the middle ground of car names, which are superbly efficient and don't mean anything. Like Audi S6, Porsche 911, and Mercedes E300, We all know what they are because they've been around for so long we just accept that they've been named in the same way Hewlet Packard names printer cartridges. I don't mind this way of naming cars, it's definitively German and works quite well, apart from when it gets convoluted and stupid like for example the BMW 328i which is now a 1997cc four cylinder engine albeit a very cleverly engineered one, but why didn't they just call it the 320i and make it simple, this 'up badging' as I call it seems to be finding home with all the big German manufacturers now. They seem to have dropped their horsepower race of the early to mid noughties with this never ending one upping of each other of their badges, it won't be long before you can walk into a Mercedes showroom and purchase a new C30000 fitted with a 2000cc engine, because C30000 sounds better than C200, supposedly.
Then we have the bottom end of the automotive naming system, the stupid and pointlessly named cars. The Hyundai Pony for example, I mean what are you trying to say about your product by naming it the very thing it is designed to replace. It's like calling a computer the new Dell Typewriter or how about trying out the new Casio Abacus.
I suppose at least it isn't offensive, like the Mitsubishi Pajero, which is actually a swearword in Spain and a derogatory term for a laborer in other Spanish speaking countries. They actually rebranded the car as the Montery in some markets because of this, still makes me smirk whenever I see it though, I can't imagine another manufacturer making the same mistake again, but perhaps you know better and if you know of any please get in touch. Secretly I do hope that a manufacturer does though, I'd love to see the marketing material for the all new Fiat Stupid Twat or the Subaru Lazy Bastard. Whilst I think of it, if you saying Toyota MR2 in French "Est merdeux" it does sound a lot like the expression for it's shit, another one to chortle at if you ever see an MR2 on the roads here. Which you won't because they're all in the bin by now.
The award for lazy automotive nomenclature goes to Volkswagen. Once upon a time they did actually name a car the 'thing' fair enough it was crap so probably didn't warranty having any effort spending on it, but still, they could of at least tried. Even the manufacturers from English speaking countries have made daft choices, like Ford, in the 90s they had a sporty coupe called the Probe, I just can't imagine anyone proudly saying at the water cooler on a Monday morning "Oh Dave, I had a fantastic time with my Probe this weekend, I even woke up early just to play with it. My Probe sure gets my heart racing..."
But my absolute favorite for crap car names goes down to one of the following. Sadly neither of which you will probably ever see on the road here.
Izuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard.... Yes that's what it is called. Just think about the mental state of the people that decided this was a great choice of a new SUV. Is mysterious a quality anybody actually wants in a car?
Vauxhall Adam... Terrible name. Adam is the name of a 42 year old account who lives in North London that cycles to work everyday, not the name of an exciting little hatchback.
Gaylord Gladiator... Just read that again, now say it outloud. Now look around and notice how other human beings have retreated away from you. No matter how good this car ever was it was doomed to fail from the start. It just sounds like the nick name given to the prison rapist. Could you imagine the length of the conversation when someone asks you what do you drive?
 |
| Gaylord Gladiator - Nice wheels, someone did a great rim job here. |
It was a Chinese SUV, looks like the kind of thing that Chevrolet would have declined to build in the 1980s but knowing how old fashioned Chinese cars can be, it was probably only a few years old. I think it was manufactured by some bland three digit name like COW or something, but the model name was hilarious. First it was a long badge that essentially took up 50% of the width on the tail gate, along the lines of HAC-J50HXG80LLX25S it basically looked like the machine that prints the badges was stuck on Windows printer test page, and then under neath this ridiculous name it was proudly displaying the sub-model name, the mighty, the majestic, pride of the fleet 'City Cowboy'. What was the point of giving it that long stupid name, to then top it off with that.
They could at least just be honest and name it the 'Crap but cheap', like Izuzu did with their 7.5 ton truck, the 'light dump'.
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